Snotty Funny Status Messages

   The books aren't nearly as cute once you find out Waldo is a deadbeat dad.

   New Yorkers could probably bail that water out a lot faster if they weren't limited to using 16 oz cups,,,, huh Bloomberg??

   I hope that Donald Trump's toupee is spared from the wrath of Hurricane Sandy... Be safe, little ferret

   Sometimes,,, I wish marriage between a man and woman was illegal too.

   I want a Life Alert necklace,,,, but instead of calling an ambulance it orders me a pizza

   Growing up,,, My daughter always wanted to be a "Disney" princess,,,,, : Darth Vader

   So I think Cris Christie and Obama driving around to look at bridges is O.K.,,, but when do they start solving crimes?

   as I'm getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who's staying on and say,, “You're in charge while I'm gone.”

   Getting my car fixed my a stoned mechanic. I know,, I know,, he's high maintenance

   If I had known she was going to start wearing clothes,,, I would never have eaten it. ~ Adam

   When I win the lottery I am going to buy all the raisin cookies in the world and throw them in the trash.

   A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least a thousand dollars.

   I tried killing a loose bat in the garage with an empty paper towel tube. After a few weak whacks,,, we both laughed & shared a fruit roll-up

   Everyday I thank the Lord Bear Grylls doesn't have his own cooking show

   If Evolution were REALLY a real thing,,,,, A LONG time ago, Men would have developed a defence to the ole "kick in the nuts"

   I came a long way in therapy with my weird obsession of using shapes and numbers, but yesterday I slipped up and now I'm back to square one.

   I wish all my younger siblings would appreciate how low I set the bar for them

   TIME SAVING TIP: Don't bother

   I think "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills.

   My cat keeps bugging me for an Instagram account so he can show you his bowl of cat-food......... Every day