JOser Funny Status Messages

   I just googled cleveland & google said no matches found the city has disappeared

   The good thing about being 6' 1" is that no one will see my bald patch... Unless you're using Google Earth...

   Will too much skin lightening cream turn you invisible?

   Didn't lock my car last night and there was a homeless guy asleep in it this morning.

   I wish God wouldn't have hidden all of my talents so well...

   Why is it that when you get your girlfriend pregnant, everyone rubs her belly saying "congratulations"... but nobody rubs your d*ck and says "good job?"

   Why hasn't anyone invented alcohol that acts as birth control too?

   Filing a BP Damage Claims. Due to the Gulf disaster, instead of a vacation at the beach, we're going to visit my in-laws...

   Ladies, I'd like to remind you that trying to play "hard to get" doesn't work when you're already "hard to want".

   Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?

   Procrastination is like masturbation; it's a whole lotta fun until you realize you just screwed yourself.

   Attn BP: When this is all over, will the Gulf of Mexico be regular, midgrade or premium?

   I don't tell lies, just fiction short stories

   When filling out Hello My Name Is name tags, I always put a question mark after my name

   Google is really an undercover gambling addiction hence clicking "I'm Feeling Lucky" compulsively.

   Little known fact: "Ikea" is actually Swedish for the sound one makes when sh*tty furniture falls apart.

   The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

   Birds of a feather flock together...then sh*t on your car...

   I plan on using a treasure map as my will

   Apparently the forklifts at home depot are "not meant for racing and for employee use only."They should really get a sign..