Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the breakfast club took place now, all those kids would just silently texting about their crappy Saturday and never make friends with each other

   Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.

   My boss wants me to keep my headphones volume low enough to hear my work phone ring AND stay awake at my desk like some kind of wizard.

   If the breakfast club existed now I'd eat all their cereal and steal their cell phones

   A Tiger doesn't lose sleep over the opinion of the sheep!

   What's the odds I ever meet a Victoria's Secrets Angel? OK, don't answer that.

   What people think of your problems: 80% don't care, 20% are glad you have them.

   Yeah you nailed the audition but some other chick nailed the director so better luck next time.

   I was thinking about selling my old phone but I think it knows too much.

   Reese Witherspoon is the skim milk of celebrity arrests.

   Ok, so I now know that if a girl asks if she looks fat, do not reply, "In what area?"

   If you want to worship someone who was tortured, killed, then came back to life, I'd say Wile E. Coyote should be it. He's the one who REALLY took one for the team.

   Huggie, Huggie, Huggie can’t you see, sometimes your words just piss off me…

   I just saved a bunch of money on my sons college education by introducing him to weed...

   Some of you ladies need to take it easy on the make up. You look like you were the first person to pass out at an Avon party...

   Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn't going according to plan....

   I haven't copied and pasted from thi s place in 7 whole days for god sake.

   if Jay Leno and Reese Witherspoon had a kid, it'd look like that dude on Mask...

   Too bad you cant photoshop your stinky breath as well.

   If you are a man and your girl is taller than you. I am going to assume you're a lesbian couple.