Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What a lovely winter, we're having this spring!

   At the hospital, I parked in the "C" section of their parking lot..... So, naturally, I had to climb out of the sunroof

   When I see my cat watching out the window, fascinated, I sit beside her and say, 'Look, Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom.'

   Remember when you ordered from Columbia House... the first 5 times?

   No thank you GPS. I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger's seat who knows everything.

   I've got tickets to see that new Irish rapper. Jay Zus

   How do we know who really won the Chinese Civil War?

   I never said I wanted to be around for a long time. I always said I wanted to be here for a good time.

   I just pissed so hard a little bit of laugh came out

   I hope instagram is still around in 10 years so I can show my kids what my food looked like in 2013.

   *walks into Starbucks.*.... "I'll have a large?.."... *alarm sounds, cage drops, baristas sharpen pitchforks*

   Together,, I can beat schizophrenia

   Today, I realised that the word 'bed' actually looks like a bed.

   t's not about dieting, it's changing eating habits forever. — Chaz Bono

   For how long are we going to ignore the problem of overpopulation on this planet as access to resources and jobs becomes harder and harder by the day?

   Sometimes I think the human race would benefit greatly from natural selection (survival of the fittest).

   Thank god we don't send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?

   The back of every furniture assembly manual should have a coupon for couples counseling.

   I'm learning how to let things go, one throat at a time.

   If HR made employees settle their disputes with public dance-offs, everyone would try a lot harder to get along.