Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll never understand those people who say, "I mainly use facebook for my family." And I'm thinking to myself..."Umm...isn't that what real life is for?"

   Free hugs! (Deluxe hugs $2.00)

   Attention: Tonight's anticipated "northern lights" will not be presented. Due to US Government budget cuts...they were cancelled just like the US Navy Blue Angels and US Air Force Thunderbirds demo teams.

   ***Breaking News: North Korea missile test delayed due to problems with Windows 3.1

   I'm just a guy searching for a reason to get off the couch.

   F'king love Sundays... Or any other day that's not Mon-Fri.

   Maybe Kim Jong Un just wants a Klondike bar

   I prefer going to the pub than going to church because the spirits in the pub are real

   I want to toss all my regrets away, but I know that I'll need one later.

   I love you so much I increased your life insurance. Now shut up and drink your poison.

   I'm trying really hard here not to apply myself, but I'm just so full of adhesive.

   I shed a tear every time my cell phone rings at work and its not Morpheus

   I'm writing a book about reverse psychology. You should definitely not buy it.

   Hey. You in the camouflage outfit. I can see you.

   It's a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.

   Significant others are like linoleum floors... Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

   Celebrities won't talk to me. Now what am I suppose to do on Twitter?

   The weather was terrible today. One person stole my thunder, and somebody else rained on my parade.

   If you are a por n addict, it’s not advisable to go to church, coz when the women kneel you anticipate something else.

   I just rolled my eyes so far back into my head that I saw where I went wrong.