Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes, I wonder if the weather app on my phone even looks outside.

   I think i'm in pizza with you.

   Seeing a lot of posts on Facebook and Twitter about dogs being stolen. Are the Koreans stockpiling food before they go to war?

   When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.

   Don't hate me because I think I'm beautiful.

   When I was 12 my mom caught me dry humpin' my stuffed animal Tweety Bird.. we haven't made eye contact since.

   If your wife is "rewarding" you with sex when you're good, you really need to work harder at getting her to view sex as her own reward.

   I need to see a shrink to discuss my Shamrock Shake abandonment issues...

   I’m so glad I found you in all this wreckage of a planet.

   Some of my best relationships have been the ones I didn’t understand.

   'Rolling In The Deep' is my favorite song about ecstasy.

   I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

   Keys to a good marriage: 1) Trust 2) Communication 3) Intimacy 4) Blocking each other on Social Networks And 5) Alcohol

   Forget North Korea and America, the next nuclear war will be between your lips and mine...tonite.

   I HATE people who take drugs. Customs for example.

   If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.

   Squirrels are just rats who blow dry their tails.

   When I say "I did laundry," I say it in a voice that infers that I just spent 12 hours beating the clothes against rocks near a remote creek

   When I was younger, I lived in downtown San Diego. I was a chubby little white boy trying not to be noticed by the local gang groups. When they did notice me one day, I was scared. Until they tried to take my Pokemon Gold game. Nearly beat them to death.

   The only thing I spill when I'm drinking is my reputation...