Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I puked in the backseat of my friend's brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn't any social networking back then, so I'm telling you now...

   I hate when you're caught stalking in a tree outside someone's window so you freeze like a squirrel, and they're all like "I can still see you."

   My wife and I keep a running score of who laughs first when one of the kids says something wildly inappropriate

   If that guy loved his horse so much, why'd he sell it to a beer company in the first place?

   Don't worry about the problems in North Korea, besides the destroyer......we've sent the B52's over. They'll surrender once they've listened to Love Shack a few times.

   If you see a porcupine in your yard, that's my cat and we're not done with our accupuncture session.

   If You Can't Be With The One You Love... Slap The One You're With!

   The nice thing about hitting a pothole with my truck tire is that it usually changes the order of the dash trouble lights.

   I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems

   When I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

   I won the celebrity death pool today, I had Shain Gandee...

   Got fired from Bath and Body Works. Apparently coming up behind customers & whispering, "it puts the lotion in the basket," is frowned upon.

   The hardest part of being a zombie would be hiding your excitement of being one.

   "She's one hot mess" means "She's bat $hit crazy, but I'd do her!"

   It's not the followers count that matters, but a few lovely people among those who make it their life to make you felt loved.

   I'm concerned my kids will end up in therapy because I didn't tell everyone on FB how much I love them.

   If you saunter in front of my car like there's no rush while I politely wait for you, I will continue to wait in quiet rage. Take that!

   Thought I was passing a kidney stone, but it was just a jellybean.

   Things may be in a constant state of change, but I don't give a flux.

   I still do nice things for people even though they're a$$holes.. I guess that's my superpower.