Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hello 911?,,, I need to report a kidnapping....yeah, there's a baby goat asleep in my lap,,. No, don't send cops,, you'll wake him up

   Happy Jesus day aka Easter. +

   All we are saying, is give PEEPS a chance.

   Don't worry, US is headed in the same starving its population direction as NKorea. Its only a matter of years all our money will be spent on mindless defence

   you know you are great at sex when she tells her friends...and her family....and the police. :|

   Dear Heart, Please stop breaking, you weren’t made in China.

   If you recieve something that says, ”Send it to all your friends,” then please don't consider me as your friend.

   Man that Game of Thrones is a much better fictional novel series than the Bible ever is.

   I would rather have a life full of scars than one full of fear.

   “I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullsh*t”

   “Look at my face, does it look like I care?” – “Well by looking at your face, God didn’t care either.”

   I can't help being lazy. It walks in the family.

   must of had the laziest Easter Bunny come over to the house. He didn't bother to color or cook any of the eggs...plus he hid them all in my fridge.

   Now that Britney Griner's collegiate career is over....do you think he will end up with the Heat and Lebron?

   Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.

   walk dead fans. ever notice that the grass out side is never high. so do zombies mow the grass when they are not eating brains. I dont mow my grass for 2 weeks and I cant see out my living room window.

   Nicki Minaj, Justin Bieber and One Direction walk into a bar. There's no punchline because ruining music isn't funny......

   I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the 'Downward Dog' on top of another person.

   It seems like my life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.

   Check out a new church for the first time for Easter Sunday. When the pastor said, "would all the first time visitors please stand up", The whole church stood up with me! (Ö_Ö)