Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has declared war against South Korea, saying 'we will make them pay for Psy and his Gangnam Style"

   The Cowboys just signed a "No Super Bowl for six more years" contract today

   ᵀʰᵉ ʷᵒʳᵈˢ ᶦᶰ ᵗʰᶦˢ ˢᵉᶰᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵃʳᵉ ʳᵉᵃᶫᶫʸ ˢᵐᵃᶫᶫ⋅

   25% vegetarian.

   Don't let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.

   (overheard in Horse-ville)....."All in favour of this-here horse for president say Yea"... *silence*.... "All those opposed say Nay"... And that's why Horse-ville has been without a president for over 200 years ..

   I want to be reincarnated as a lesbo. I can still eat p ussy plus I get to hit from the ladies tees!

   I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding, driving Kia's all around town. No wait..... Hamsters, I hate hamsters

   Hey person calling from a blocked number, I'm not answering...... Ever.

   Whiskey and Ambien. When you absolutely, positively, have to wake up naked on your neighbors lawn holding a mailbox.

   There’s this one dumb ass that found me on Facebook and won’t give up. Repeated friend requests, inbox messages.. It’s driving me nuts. I know at some point I’ll have to give in, but just because we’re married it doesn't mean I have to like him,

   North Korea changes its Facebook relationship status with the South Korea from "It's Complicated" to "War."

   North Korea is about to do a Harlem Shake on South Korea

   North Korea chose the right time to declare war on South Korea. With them releasing "Gangnam Style", no one is going to feel sorry for them.

   You know what really upsets me? When a stranger on the internet isn't satisfied with the entertainment I provide him for free. It hurts. :(

   You don't know true competition until you're one of the last two people in musical chairs.

   Anyone else immediately turn down the car radio the second you think you might be lost?

   SITTING at a stop light and had a group of cute ladies stop next to me and wave. I smiled and waved back, only to soon realize they were waving at the guys in the Camero on my right. Felt like high school all over again...

   for girls night out, my wife takes a hundred dollar bill. For guys night out, I take a hundred dollar bills!

   Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they say "to boldly go where no one has gone before", when they get there, they always meet someone?