Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It’s a little difficult to worry about starving children in Africa when we still have people in America using flip phones.

   I wonder how many times Jesus ran out of the room crying and screaming “You’re not even my real dad, Joseph.”

   While "suck my d-ick" is an insult, "lick my p-ussy" sounds more like an invitation.

   ME: When is "trash day?"............ NEIGHBOR: Umm,,, we don't observe "trash day"

   Only because I take things ever so personally, from now on, when someone posts FML, I'll assume they mean "Fermenting My Liver."

   This morning I woke up with a HUGE smile on my face....frickin’ neighbor kids and their Sharpies......

   The worst part about make up sex is when your girlfriend walks in and you have her lip stick in your butt.

   "Because all men - honey, I tell you aaaallllll men - are created equal." -Hair. And I think some other historical document. But mostly Hair.

   People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties.

   Silence is golden. Too bad nobody is buying.

   Someday I want to be rich enough where I can do things like accidentally drop my new cell phone into a public toilet and not even consider fishing it out.

   The United States is the land of freedom. Not free stuff!

   I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a drinking enthusiast!

   I want to be a Disney Princess... Mostly so I would have random animals help me with my housework

   I just ate some generic Frosted Flakes.... They"rrrrreeee alright

   I love tan lines... it's like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)

   his relationship status set to "It's Complicated" simply because he can't decide on which hand to use.

   Hospitals don't like it when you unplug things to charge your phone without asking first

   Jaywalking sounds like a stupid made up crime so I treat it like one. If you think I am walking an extra block to cross the street, you are out of your mind.

   Just bought formula. Babies would be cheaper if they ran on gas!