Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You say, "Boys. Always respect a girl that's been single for over a year. Because it means she not co-dependent ."This is not true again; she is actually dependent on her vibrator!!

   Just lost 50 lbs. Time to put it all back on again.

   Can't afford a Carnival Cruise? just camp out next to a Port-a-Potty.

   the first snow of spring is always the most beautiful

   I hear Katy Perry hired Taylor Swift to write her a break-up song. Adele is producing...

   Heck,,, I can tell which people are really judgmental just by looking at them.

   Listen SNOW, unless your singing "Informer" no one wants to see you right now... First day of spring my ass..

   The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.

   Could someone please call Al Gore and ask him to turn global warming back on?

   Just saw a woman post in search of "breastfeeding equipment." Weird. I thought she should already be equipped.

   so KimYe are planning to name their baby North, I think South is more fitting though.

   Taylor Swift - 22 going on 14.

   WARNING TO YOUNG BOYS: Axe is NOT a substitute for a bath/shower.

   What kind of streets do zombies like the best?… Dead ends

   If you think you are having a bad day just know mike Tyson is in a restaurant somewhere trying to order "the sweet and sour soup"

   Alanis Morissette sang about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. Question: why do you have 10,000 spoons?

   Bad things happen to good people, so I'm pretty sure we're all safe

   Tiger Woods is now dating Lindsey Vonn. That man gets so much ass, if this were 1800's his slave name would be Poonta Kinte

   My tombstone will read: He died doing what he loved. Your wife.

   This girl told me that she likes men who know long words. So, I told her how ammaazzzziiiinnnggg she was.