Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when I get drunk and start bidding on e-bay

   Why do porn sites have a "Share to Facebook" button? Who watches porn and thinks, "You know who'd really enjoy this? My family and friends."

   Dear Axe Bodyspray, Please create a new bottle that allows only one spary every 24 hours. Thank you for your consideration. Signed, Mother of a ten year old boy

   Sometimes it would be nice if the world had an off switch.

   I wish I were a glow worm, A glow worm's never glum. "Cause how can you be grumpy, when the sun shines out your bum?!

   Are you a low budget movie, because you are boring?

   Does anyone have like twenty thousand dollars they don’t want? Asking for myself.

   Of course best friend, you are allowed to have other friends as long as you love me more.

   If you pull out my earphones I will pull out your vocal cords!

   Every medicine made in China is like PROS: you’ll stop coughing. CONS: you might die!

   CHILD-"hey grandpa, when did you know grandma was the one?"....GRANDPA- "when her sister dumped me!"

   If my job was to make health questionnaires, I'd slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"

   I'm just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.

   I found a penny today and it reminded me of my ex...worthless and in everybody's pants.

   Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.

   If you wear a pirates outfit to PetSmart... you can walk out with a like eight parrots on each shoulder and they can't say nothing.

   After 4 crappy cruises,Carnival Cruise Lines should just change their slogan to "Still better than the Titanic!!!"

   I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me

   facebook should have an "I've seen enough" button.

   I just turned my keyboard upside down and shook it over my desk and now I don't have to go grocery shopping for at least two weeks.