Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I feel like cleaning, I lie down and the feeling goes away.

   Just made a Broman! It's exactly like a snowman except it's a black guy.

   Well 30min work-out along with some new Tae Kwon Do moves -CHECK! And just to think that was just trying to get the snow off my tires...

   Nothing screams 'America' like taking the elevator in a two-story building

   I have an eating disorder. I'm eating DIS order of wings, DIS order of pizza, and DIS order of ice cream.

   Sometimes a long distance relationship just means opposite ends of the couch.

   you don't have to say everything you think

   What a gorgeous day to walk around outside staring at my phone.

   You can have anything you want, if you lower your expectations enough.

   If everyone has a crack in their a$$, why are so many still full of $hit?

   It's all sh*ts n' giggles, until somebody giggles and sh*ts! :-O

   I think the phrase "there's nowhere to run, nowhere to hide" originated from someone who farted in the shower.

   Life just handed me Lemon Pledge, I guess it wants me to dust.

   How the Syfy channel comes up with movie ideas: 1. Think of an animal or insect. 2. Make it 50 ft tall. 3. Eat a burrito.

   I've had six husbands. Seven if I count my own.

   If you think your day is going badly just remember that somewhere in the world a man with a lisp is trying to order the "Sweet & Sour Soup"

   My pet peeve is when people say redundant words after acronyms, like “PIN number” or “ATM mouth.”

   I bet Unawarewolves don't even know they don't exist

   Got kicked out of another restaurant this afternoon for breast feeding. Hey - when my husband wants titty, he wants titty.....

   Motivating my office co-workers is like hammering square pegs into unwilling sphincters