Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.

   there are no winners the day following a draft beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.

   if you had... one shot... one opportunity... to take two samples at costco when the dude's not lookin... would you capture it... or let it slip

   Only at Mcdonalds do they say,"Sorry about your wait" and really mean "weight."

   I have a crystal ball and when I sit down I do it very carefully.

   Passover occurs at the same time as Holy Week which leads up to Easter. Them J3WS are always trying to ruin our fun.

   Just because it’s called make-up, it doesn’t mean it’s supposed to make-up 99% of your face!

   I'm going to take a shot for every "like" I get on this status....then again....I'm taking shots whether you b*stards like it or not.

   ‎(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ Mondays

   Why do porn sites have a 'Share to Facebook' button? Who watches porn and thinks, 'You know who'd really enjoy this? My family and friends.'

   You may think I am wierd, but at least I am not boring like you.

   Alright Winter, we get your point. You're a force of nature okay? I'll quit mocking you when I'm talking to the other seasons

   My butler says I live in a fantasy world.

   Well St Patrick's Day is finally over, or as I know it as the day I found out that not all midgets are magical

   My mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

   Randomly digging holes. Want to know why. Come around and I'll fill you in.

   Definition of irony. Midget porn on the top shelf.

   Really cleav...klev......Intelagen.......Smart!

   Today, may you do all the things you said you'd do - and feel damn good about it.

   These are not pizza stains on my shirt they are pizza memories, wonderful wonderful memories.