Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I don't give advice because screwing up my own life requires my undivided attention

   Today,,,, I feel like I need the vulgarity expansion pack for autocorrect

   My outgoing message: Hi,, I'm gonna be honest, I screen people I don't want to talk to,,, You can leave a message, but if you heard this,,,,,It's you

   Hey guys, just to let you all know I'll be closing my facebook account in three days... But in four days I'll be explaining why I didn't leave

   Feelin tired today,,, I was up All night,,, See,I got into this book,, and couldn't put it down,,, Yeah,, Ended up goin thru ALL my crayons...

   Keep on scrolling. I don't want any trouble.

   "He died doing what he loved, which was clinging to life and trying not to die, which he was very good at until recently."

   I'm perfecting a new perfume called "Forever Alone".... It smells like Lean Cuisines and cats.

   Whenever I return a book to the library,,, I leave a bookmark on the last page & yell "SORRY, I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO REWIND IT!" then run away..

   Due to the sensitivity of some people on Faceboo, here is a list of uncomfortable subjects will not joke about:................................................................................................................................ Still here?

   Hey Emo girl,,,,, what if you got a bunch of eyebrow rings,,, and put up little curtains over your eyes,,,,,, I bet you could really sleep better then

   Hey,, I put on my pants same as everyone else......... reluctantly

   Hey Electoral college,,,, Sorry,, I wasn't paying attention,,,what do I do if my election lasts for more than 4 hours?

   Hey Weather Channel,,, "Frankenstorm" is the doctor's name...."Frankenstorms Monster" is what Earth is dressing up as for Halloween

   Of course Russia was evil,,, They sent a dog up into space,,,,,, Everyone Knows that dogs HATE vacuums

   Sweet dreams are made of cheese... Who am I to disagree?.. I've travelled the world and ate 7 peas... Everybody's lookin fo Dunkin...

   Flooding, check... Earthquake, check... Hurricane, check,,,, Locusts..where are my damn locusts?......... That's it,, I'm calling the exec. producer

   Trying to get my mom in the Bronx,, to call the hurricane and talk at it until it just gives up and leaves.

   Whole Foods sells $10 gift cards... The perfect gift for a loved one who wants two onions.

   The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.