JOser Funny Status Messages

   it 1 tap or 2 to request toilet paper from the next stall?

   We have 50 friends in common and I still have no idea who the hell you are

   I think sharks eat people just to get on tv.

   I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

   Dear Pope, Religion and birth control are more compatible than you may think. Every time a condom breaks, someone learns to pray.

   I wear an eye patch when I download music illegally.

   No one has ever complimented me on my mountain fresh scent. Either people are jerks or this body wash is bullsh*t.

   OH NO! I'm sorry. I thought it was lime that heals all wounds. That must really sting.

   The best part of being a pedestrian is walking over the hood of the car of the person who stopped right in the middle of a crosswalk.

   I had 99 problems but I took one down and passed it around.

   Have you ever had your tea iced? .. Your welcome

   I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.

   Officer, I was not "texting" while driving. I was "watching a movie on my iPad"

   Just before I die I'm going to get my hand stamped in case I want to come back in.

   Starting a sentence with "I don't want to sound creepy but" doesn't de-creepify the rest of the sentence.

   Dude, if you really want Jessie's girl, find out her name.

   One hair on your head is not enough...but one hair in your food is too much.

   Neighbors have a leash on their tree, but they let the dog run free. Poor tree

   You know what would make this Pina Colada better? Cancun.

   My neighbor just got one of those expensive new invisible fences. What a dumb@ss, I can still see him.