Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Q: what does a nosy pepper do? A: it gets jalapeño your business. (o.O)

   Watching Hillbily Venom. A documentary on serpent handling in church in WV. Very nteresting for sure, but not on my bucket list.

   How not to get friend-zoned? - Be a girl.

   It’s like people don’t realise that once you’ve had children together, you can never get completely divorced.

   The couch just proposed to my buttocks.

   I would hold your baby, but I'm grossed out because I know where it came from.

   It's like the uglier a person is, the more pics they wanna post all over their FB wall.

   I would never wanna see my girlfriend cry, That why I got a password on my phone.

   I went to jail as a teenager and I cried the whole time. Haven’t played Monopoly since.

   Life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn't last long for fat people

   I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don't have to save for retirement...

   The only decisions I like to make are at the liquor store.

   When pronouncing my name, the "Hey A sshole" is silent.

   My signature sex move is paying upfront.

   Got kicked outta hospital,the 'stroke patients here' means something completely different.....xXx

   This complimentary lemonade at the doctor's office tastes funny.

   Don't steal things you don't need or want, like hearts.

   What doesn't kill you makes you want to go back to him for more.

   If I were a rapper I'd go by the name of lay-Z. Wouldn't release a single track.

   I hate when a rap song comes on and I'm white.