Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   this Mexican guy asked me if I'd seen his beach but we're 300 miles from the ocean...

   The worst thing about taking naps is you expect to wake up afterwards feeling well-rested but instead you wake up feeling like you died and you forget who and where you are.

   If I find out that my soulmate is dead, I’m going to be pissed off that I didn’t have a chance to be the reason she drank herself to death.

   Ugly girls give excellent hand-jobs. Which is an actual stupid skill to have, considering a guy could just jerk himself off and avoid the ugly.

   You'll never forget the man who whispered sweetly in your ear "Your next poop is gonna be SO easy"

   We haven't lost an hour, we loaned it to the illusion we call "time". "Time" will pay us back in full at 2am on Sun., Nov 3. This is an interest free loan, and means there are no seconds, minutes, or hours assessed.

   I blame everyone for my problems. Except Shaggy, Because we all know it wasn't him.

   Those jeans don't make you look fat, They make you look blind.

   Dating is like shopping. No one is new off the shelf. We're all in a second-hand store looking for the vintage gem someone else cast aside.

   When women say "It's not what's on the outside, it's what's on the inside that counts", we all know what they are talking about Men's wallets.

   I would have a lot more sex if it weren’t so expensive.

   My girlfriend just admitted she’s wrong, I just ran to check the calendar to see if we both forgot my birthday.

   wow danica patrick just got a rubber in the rear end in vegas on tv!

   I'd like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I'll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don't (you know why).

   I'm not saying my ex wife was crazy but she was jealous of my dog...

   So if I buy a blow up doll for company coz I feel lonely at home.. Will that make me creepy and gay? Coz gay is fine, I just don't wanna come off as creepy :-/

   When I’m about to die and my life flashes before my eyes I’m worried that a lot of it will just be Facebook and TV.

   There will never be true equality until men have to wear jockey shorts with underwires that lift and separate.

   You know your life is disappointing when you wake up and your first thought is, "Crap, still here."

   I hate when people pour my cereal. They don't know how much I want! They don't know my life! They don't know what I've been through!!!