Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just lit a cigarette off the stove...in case you were looking for someone with mad MacGyver skills.

   gave up trying to understand women years ago. Women understand women and they hate each other.

   What if at the end of Breaking Bad they drop Bryan Cranston into witness protection and that becomes the beginning of Malcolm in the Middle?

   every 60 seconds in Africa, A minute passes.

   I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there's an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.

   Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

   The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

   It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

   TSA to all pocket knifes on flights. Trying to appeal to the traveler that whittles.

   I had one of those days... kinda like a blind man seeing ur future,,,no like a blonde reading a book,,,nooo like a faT dude doing a speedo shoot,,,noooooo like a crack hoe selling avon.....THATS IT..... Its be a awesome day>>>>>>>

   Breaking News.... Jane Fonda and Dennis Rodman have been selected to act as Hugo Chavez's pall bearers at his funeral

   Finally figured out what twitter was today, the thing between the twaat and the sh*tter.

   Hugo Chavez: First confirmed victim of sequester......

   It's too bad that Hugo Chavez passed away before he had a chance to meet Dennis Rodman.

   it just me or are Dating sites costing more than a date now? I just want to go back to the day of throwing a rock and dragging her off her feet.

   Hugo Chavez...Hey hey my my, the evil dictator finally died..And once you're gone, you can't come back, your so welcome to satan's act!

   Can we please have a moment of silence for the respect we lost for Hugo Chavez?

   Hugo Chavez...Say hello to..Adolph Hitler/Vlad III the Impaler/Joseph Stalin/Benito Mussolini/Ivan the Terrible and your friend the.Great Antichrist...The enemy of righteousness the.prince of darkness, pleased to meet you, hope you guessed my name!

   Hot dog warmers at Citgo seem to be rolling at half-speed tonight, must be in honor of Chavez?

   I don't know her; it means I don't know if she's more miserable than me or not.