Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If we really are living in a computer simulation, it wasn't very bright of the simulators to let us find out about it.

   Guys - A few words of wisdom...when a woman asks for your opinion, she doesn't want to hear your "actual" opinion, she simply wants to hear her opinion in a deeper voice.

   I want to know who Jimmy Fallon blew to get his late night TV show.

   I don't have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I'll be celebrating that tonite.

   The Queen just got out of the hospital from a gastroenterits.. I call it : "The Royal Flush"!

   Got fired on my first day as a Male Masseuse.... Apparently, the instruction "Finish off on her face" didn't mean what I thought it did.

   I sold my homing pigeon 137 times last year on eBay............................................................................Ha, Ha.

   Wondering if it's ok to ask someone with an eye patch,,,,, "Well, was it all fun and games up to that point?"

   If I had a really small dog that took really big poops, I'm pretty sure I would name him Deuce ツ

   The tragedy of the poor is that they can afford nothing but self-denial.

   This year, I think I'd like to visit the 'Smithereens'. Seems like just about everyone gets blown there ツ

   the more people I meet the more I like my dog

   Asian Kid: "Oww I got stung by a bee!" Asian Dad: "WHY YOU NO GET STUNG BY A!?"

   When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.

   When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me. After a while, my mom said, "Just use a spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi."

   WHAT IF PEOPLE USED CAPS LOCK FOR EVERYTHING THEN USED LOWERCASE FOR EMPHASIS, THAT WOULD BE really weird

   I hope to get to the point in my life where I'm not excited about finding change on the ground.

   I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is "love," but it's actually "floor"

   I'm not mooing you.. I'm turning the other cheek

   Many things can be preserved in alcohol, dignity is not one of them...