Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yes, I'm still listening. Now play the damn ad so I can get back to the music.

   My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.

   I like my women how I like my coffee, between my legs as I drive.

   I'm so bored right now, I've actually started paying my bills as a way to entertain myself.

   ok, which one of you ladies gave me your hangover...

   I'm concerned with the fate of our nation, but not "Face the Nation" concerned.

   Therapists should just buy a bunch of baby pandas & be like to their patients "Are you depressed? Well here's a baby panda." Problem solved.

   I eat every meal like I'm going to be deported to Ethopia the next day or something.

   When you go back to the scene of the drinking crime, somehow it all looks different in daylight.

   My ex called me today. I answered by screaming "HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?!?!" and hung up. That should make her wonder a little bit...

   Let government take care of the weak, the strong can take care of themselves.

   Doctor's have crappy jobs. If they save someone, God gets credit, if they don't they get sued.

   Do transformers have health insurance or car insurance???

   If a little kid gives you a high 5 and you don't pretend like they broke your hand, you're doing life wrong.

   Just pulled on a nose hair super hard & one of my pubes disappeared.

   How exciting a threesome!!!! Time to give my pillows some head,my sheets some booty,and my bed is about to get laid.

   News break the waking dead is on, so I will update everyone every commercial break-Get a life

   It's not about the size of the ship but the motion of the ocean... I've never seen small ships make big waves!!! Just sayin'......

   Some nights... When I can't sleep.. I stay up and ponder life's greatest unanswered questions... Like: How long it would take a giraffe to throw up. So I did some digging, and apparently, it is a leading cause of Giraffe death... And now I'm sad. :(

   I am so old I still have stuff written MADE IN USA.