Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You never really forgive the friend who tricked you int0 watching "2 Girls 1 Cup".

   blocking ex's and their ugly gf's on fb feels so good

   I work out. Just kidding, I take naps.

   Confidence, arrogance, ignorance. These are all close cousins, beware.

   The only thing I’ve ever passed is out.

   I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.

   There's nothing louder than a guy who's losing at something.

   "Excuse me sir. Have you seem my pants?"

   So you constantly feel sorry for yourself and feel the need to tell everyone all about it. I can’t imagine why he left you.

   This guy doesn't appreciate me following him around with a barcode scanner but he should've thought of that before he got that stupid tattoo

   If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.

   If you're single and you know it hug your cat!

   My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.

   In group discussions, chicks with big boobs always seem to say the right things.

   After sex I enjoy a big glass of get the fu-ck out of my house.

   If I were a proctologist,,, I'd walk into every examining room with fake hook-hands, cuz,,,,,,,, well, you know

   My w hite workmate was complaining about how his dog is always leaving its hair all over the house, on furniture, bed and on the carpet. I told him I can relate because my girlfriend is always leaving her weave on my carpet, sofa, bed and in my damn car.

   One lesson that religion taught me is that it is important to pretend to be a nice person one day a week.

   Airlines have become so cash-strapped, they're also going to charge for emotional baggage.

   A friend said she was going to wash the gray right out of her hair. I said, "I wish I could do that, these days I pretty much just wash the hair out of my hair".