Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you get cheated on over and over & you decide to stay with that person, You're a fuc&in idiot and deserve everything thats coming to you.

   If you watch the Harlem Shake backwards, it's a video about a guy who parties longer than everyone else.

   I am pretty sure that Dennis Rodman is qualified to be a Democratic Congressman from California'

   Lets flip a coin, heads I get tail, tails I get head.

   The President's claim that the economy is improving, and the news that "Girls Gone Wild" has filed for bankruptcy seem to fly in the face of compatibility.

   Boy nothing says band wagon than Harlem Shake.

   I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex, she said she's be having sex with an as*hole for years.

   That ackward moment when I'm no longer drunk and you're still a goat.

   Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man whose been single longer than 6 months.

   The wrong time to have a seizure is probably during a Harlem Shake Video.

   I hope your couch pulls out cause I don't!

   The biggest problem I have with women is that they are not Megan Fox.

   My superpower is common decency.

   I'm not a mechanic so I don't know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

   If you mean sleeping, then yes, I'm great in bed.

   Then god said: how can I make men act stupid?...then he created women.

   Tell her something she’s never heard before…like the truth.

   Im not dead I'm just resting my eyes in this shallow ditch.

   Ladies, let me save you your annual Cosmo subscription fee: 1. Let him go out with the boys 2. Sex him up 3. Make him a sandwich Repeat.

   Saw a bird crap on a Smart car. Totaled it.