Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone knows the Jedi "Mind meld" is illegal in all 57 states.

   if Sonic can start their happy hour at 2pm, so can I!!

   Your brain is an amzing organ. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, from before birth, right up until you post a status message on facebook.

   I’m texting “I’m going to keep the baby” to random numbers until someone replies

   If you watch Honey Boo Boo and enjoy it....please seek the help that you need...

   You should know you'll get loud while drinking. It says it right there on the bottle: "alcohol by volume".

   i used to live in a place where the walls were so thin that when my neighbors peeled onions I was crying next door.

   yo' mama is so fat that when she walked infront of the TV last Saturday night, we missed the entire third period of the hockey game.

   if you have a problem with me, call me and we can talk, if you don't have my number, you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me...

   I could scroll down my Facebook page and write a country song!!

   Facebook: A place where someone will send you endless invites to play games, but won't invite you to their party.

   If your middle name is Lee, you probaby have an arrest record.

   Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.

   Too many faithful girls are single, and too many h&es are taken.

   I'm already sorry for what I'm going to do this weekend.

   When advertising your business on the side of your car it’s a good idea not to drive like a complete as&hole

   IKE if you love that feeling when you finally take your shoes off at the end of the day.

   Sorry, Mr. Homeless Guy, here’s the story. I’m in college. I work part time and I can only support one of our alcohol problems.

   Thongs are like barbed wire fences. They protect the property, but don’t block the view.

   *Showering together* Girl: "Baby I want you to do bad things to me ;)" Guy: *Puts shampoo in her eyes*