Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.

   Internet explorer 10, because how else will you download Google chrome and Firefox?

   Insomnia is for people who haven't tried watching Keeping up with the Kardashians.

   Saw a man with a phone in a holster strapped to his belt, he did not admit I'm quite sure he's from the Old testament part of the bible.

   Browsers announce they have blocked pop up messages like they expect a congratulatory blow job after.

   Definition: Brain - Your body's hardest working organ. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, from birth until you...fall in love.

   Sometimes the difference between pleasure and pain is one inch. The difference between being regarded flirtatious or a stalker is even shorter.

   Dear life, is this waking up in the morning thing really necessary?

   If people fall in love with you too late, don't accept that love; Its after effects are annoying. It means there are some hidden problems with you or with that person.

   Sometimes when you’re about to say you’re against abortion you hear a Justin Bieber song and you hold that thought.

   If this weekend were any shorter it would be called a Kim Kardashian marriage.

   I’m one of the 6 black guys in the world who has never slept with a Kardashian. :(

   Nothing says "Virgin" like having a score of above a million on temple run.

   Dad, when I grow up I want to join Twitter. Sorry son. You can't do both.

   For a rock only found in a planet that was destroyed, Superman must wonder where all his enemies keep finding kryptonite

   Girls with big boobs never have to worry about having spinach stuck in their teeth.

   By ignoring me, you have just made yourself a powerful stalker!

   people get so mad at me in the self-checkout lane....i stand there checking myself out just like the name says. they say I take too long

   Seeing a unicorn would be incredible and all, until you realize a wild animal with a spike on its head tends to enjoy spearing things to death.

   Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!