Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If an old person talks about their siblings, ask if they're the oldest. No matter what they say, respond "No, I meant oldest in the world?"

   Whenever you can't think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I've been thinking about killing you."

   if you're an influentail person but you do not help anybody, you're ignorant.

   If you're an influential person but you do not help anybody, you're ignorant.

   Everything happens for a reason. That's why I drink to everything!

   I'm not ashamed of my vices. They're good friends actually. They bring great joy!

   Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.

   Weekend forecast: feasting, imbibing and severe debauchering!

   I’ve been that, done that, had that, lost that, needed that and felt that. Just a few of the many reasons why I always drink to “that”.

   I have finally come to the conclusion that it's not the drink that causes hangovers. It's the sleep.

   How the hell does an "aspiring rapper" have a Maserati???

   I don't realise how hyperactivity stupid I'm being until someone imitates me. :)

   The only reason they make yellow starbursts is for when someone asks you if they can have one of your starbursts.

   What did the black duck say to the white duck? What up quacker?

   I don't realise how hyperactively stupid I'm being until someone imitates me. :)

   I miss being late for work because of morning sex. Now, it's because I dress my cat as Gandolph.

   My doctor won't tell me the diagnosis unless I upgrade to Bonus Features.

   I waterboard my girlfriends until they tell me what's wrong.

   Just bought my " I survived black history month" T-shirt

   Sometimes the difference between pleasure and pain is one inch.