Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m not ugly. You’re just not drunk enough.

   When Kate Middleton goes into labor, the doctor will say "the baby is crowning!" And they'll laugh and laugh...

   I won't lie, I'd pay top dollar to just see Katy Perry work a jackhammer for a few minutes.

   if you still don't think money doesn't matter, name the last rich person we deported...

   Cats are pet tigers for midgets.

   What do ducks smoke? Quack.

   What does a grape say when it gets stepped on? Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.

   I don't cuddle after sex because cuddling strangers is gross.

   How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm? You look for fresh prints.

   What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison.

   Alcoholism is a disease. That's why I feel entitled to use the handicap parking spaces when I'm drunk.

   What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest? A rabbi cuts them off and a priest sucks them off.

   #Remembers #A #Time #When #People #Used #To #Write #Without #Using #This #!

   Can you guys believe some people get paid to advertise products on their Facebook page? That's crazy. Almost as crazy as the intense rush of energy I get after drinking Monster's new Triple Strength Xtra Max Energy Shot™.

   I need a matchmaking service for socks...

   If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things that I keep to myself!!

   Volcanoes. ........earths pimples

   What's it called again??? Oh Yeah, BOOZE!!!

   People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.

   I swear my wife buys sports bras just to piss me off...