Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Rihanna filed a restraining order against a man for breaking into her house. I assume when all of this blows over she'll make him a key.

   Some people are in a long distance relationship with common sense.

   I'm calling an emergency meeting between my eyes and your boobs.

   Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn't see himself in a mirror.

   The only thing more annoying than working for a living is people.

   Had a nightmare that I was married.

   My soulmate is probably selling her body for narcotics as we speak.

   I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.

   Depression is the new religion.

   My boss just informed me that a birthday is not a legitimate excuse to start drinking at 8am.

   After sex, I like to cuddle up to her, wrap my arm around her, brush her hair and whisper: "Welcome to rock bottom."

   I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.

   I am going into my sequester bunker now, someone call me when this nightmare is over! I am terrified......

   You're either a Vatican, or a Vatican't

   After a good night of sleep, my fave word to wake up to in the morning is.........."TAMALES!"

   if your profile picture is of your dogs, I'm going to go ahead and assume you're fugly...

   Guys, tell her she looks more beautiful without any make up. She won't believe you but your odds of getting laid will improve enormously.

   Harlem Shake is just an excuse to go full retard for 30 seconds.

   You inspire my inner serial killer.

   I'm just a boy. Standing in front of a girl. Praying she doesn't pick me out of this police lineup.