Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I heard some people talking sh*t about you, they were saying you loved c*ck sandwiches, but I stuck up for you. I told them you don't even like sandwiches.

   It's a man's job to respect a woman. But, it's a woman's job to give him something to respect...

   Give a man a fish, And he'll eat for a day,,, turn a man into a fish, and I have NO IDEA I DIDNT EXPECT THAT TO WORK, KEEP SWIMMING GEORGE!! HOLD ON!?

   I hate getting paid and being broke all in the same day!! :(

   The self checkout lane was probably invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

   But Officer,,,, I was in the Gifted & Talented program, and I need to move at my own pace.

   I can't get a job ...because I don't have any experience! How will I ever get experience if no one gives me a chance!

   I should really start going to bed earlier so I have more time in the morning to be late for work.

   The number of people killed because alcohol is easily offset by the number of people conceived because of alcohol.

   I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it...

   To find Waldo, you must first find yourself

   I wish my nipples were half as sensitive as my FB friends.

   I guess it's time to lose some weight. I cut myself shaving and gravy came out...

   I would love to kill you with kindness,but all I have is this knife.

   In life its only a thief who genuinely wishes you to prosper and succeed.

   90% of the time I drop my IPhone because I wanna see a picture horizontal.

   You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you and you're being chased by a lion. What should you do? ... Get your drunk ass off the carousel.

   I walk away from auto-flush toilets like movie stars walk away from explosions

   I got 99 problems, and "Honey Boo Boo" tops the list!!!

   Pope Benedict just changed his relationship status with the Vatican to "It's complicated".