Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It would be really funny if the GPS changed voices depending on what part of town you are in. YOOO Man, Yawll enturrin da ghetto! teerrrn leffft and' hit up tha likor store beeotch! Nah Nah Nah Nah Yawll misst da teeern. You are reallly dumm. Fur reel.

   I've just been to the local Tesco Extra. Now, I don't know what's in their meat but I can tell you they've certainly got a right cow on the checkout.

   My Oscar speech would begin like this...First and foremost, I would like to thank my legs. Without them I would not be standing here today...

   Screw you Adobe! I spend more time downloading Adobe updates than i've ever spent using Adobe.

   Wife said she needs a break from picking up my socks on the floor. Fine with me...I also have 12 pairs of underwear.

   Sorry,, But that last like I gave you, contained traces of horsemeat.

   I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn't the right answer...

   why do some people all of a sudden need to carry a gun everywhere they go? I’m 40 years old and can’t think of a single time I went to church, dinner or shopping and needed a gun.

   Apocalypse Update - Day 67: I should have bought more Febreeze for the bunker, dammit.

   my wife's pissed because she walked in while I was masterbating in the shower. OK, it was a baby shower, but still...

   Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!

   Some people are meant to be loved from a safe distance.

   I'm only as nice as people allow me to be, so don't push my jerk button and we'll be great

   Why don't we throw the world's garbage in quicksand?

   Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside

   I'll fall for anybody that kisses my neck in the right spot So, yeah, I dated the goat from the petting zoo for a while.

   Calm down straight guys. 9 times out of 10, g ay guys are only staring at you because you look like sh it and we just wanna give you makeover.

   If you have a tattoo in a language you do not speak or understand, then yes I'm allowed to judge you.

   The other day I went so far back into someone's timeline I ended up on their MySpace page.

   I'll bet your Facebook relationship status would be a lot less complicated if you let him stick it in your ass.