Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "the artist formerly known as Pope."

   Now there is some minister in Missouri setting up a "toy" gun buyback program.. I'm sure all the old folks are gonna be happy this summer when they are spared from being victimized by random squirt gun fire....

   I'm bored. Who wants to fall in love with me until they find someone better?

   Just once I would like to be summoned by a king, or a wizard, instead of the courts.

   Bless you P ornhub for your categories. Some days I'm feeling the MILF's, somedays the gang b ang. It's like the Baskin Robbins of por n.

   I wonder if asparagus makes my jizz smell funny too...

   Nothing tests a woman like having to stop talking for 2 f uckin minutes whilst she’s brushing her teeth

   W hite people will do any stupid thing they are told to do over the intercom at a sporting event.

   Kristen Stewart doesn't get enough credit for her acting ability. I thought she was great as Harry Potter's wand.

   WAITER: Did we decide? MY DATE: Yes, I'd like the Sirloin. Medium rare. ME: And I'd like the Remix to Ignition. Hot and fresh out the kitchen.

   n't it ironic that the wife of the president who failed to rescue embassy personnel is giving an award for a movie about the successful rescue of embassy personnel?

   I'm going to have three children.. One girl, named Stacey, so my wife can be Stacey's mom.. And she will have it going on.. One boy named Luke, so I can say "Luke, I am your father." and one more boy named Sparta.. So I can introduce him 'THIS IS SPARTAA'

   When I said I’d give you multiples I meant a test with choices.

   Come to my naughty corner, I will teach you wrong from right...

   I'm the kind of guy who brings Band Aids to a knife fight.

   Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I'm just a butthead."

   Either that milk was bad,,,,, Or they don't actually make onion Chobani flavored Captain Crunch

   Does anyone know how long you can put chicken in the freezer? I put one in last night and it was dead this morning.

   Well, I could be wrong, but I believe diversity is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.

   Just been wondering what "please Do Not Touch" would be in Braille