Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Because I'm stressed I've started sniffing glue. It's the only thing holding me together

   From the first time I met you I knew that I have to run away from you for the rest of my life

   I have counted 16 stains on my bed sheets and not one of them is sex related. My life sucks.

   How long before the Karoke version of Lady Antebellum's "Need you now" hits bars and taverns. I can just imagine drunks trying to sing it now, "It's a quart... quarter after, uh one, I'm a... I'm a little drunk, and... and I need... you now."

   Some people need to write a book, rather then tell Facebook.

   Want to be a rebel? THINK.

   It's a good week to get an Oscar but not a good week to be an Oscar.

   I'm hungry, but I'm not 'cook something' hungry.

   Just saw my friend in a g ay p orn o... His secret has never been safer.

   Loneliness can make you do some strange people.

   The Defense in this women's football team looks like it has a lot of holes to fill.

   My signature move is learning the hard way.

   Want to end road rage? Put manual windows in every car. By the time you're done rolling down your window to yell, you're too tired to be mad

   I'm so hungry I could eat an Ikea meatball.

   Just heard a guy spent his whole $1000 tax return at the strip club in 1 night. Why do I always miss the cool parties?

   I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you'd be a fool not to.

   congratulations to trayvon martin -exactly a year today staying out of trouble

   What’s the difference between a Pick Pocketer and a Peeping Tom…..A Pick Pocketer snatches watches

   I'm surprised nobody ever complained that the grape dude in the Fruit of the Loom commercials is black

   Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I'm just a sheethead."