Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cat + Laser = Loss of bladder control

   I'm sorry... But I would kick that Waldo's ass in Hide and Go Seek!

   I kinda miss theysayimspecial... He reminded me how much I hate to slam my finger in doors! A

   Danica Patrick's dad is probably the first father in history that's happy to see his daughter on the pole.

   What ship has never docked in Liverpool???? The premiership :) :) :)) :) :))) :)

   I guess there's some kind of driving contest going on in Florida...

   Poor people never, or hardly ever, ask for an explanation of all they have to put up with. They hate one another, and content themselves with that.

   Accidentally bought Nascar Oreos...Now I feel like White Trash

   I am really surprised that there are not more women race car drivers! Women drive all over town like race car drivers!

   I just watched 5min of The Daytona 500 and 3 of my teeth just fell out!

   Just got news Danica Patrick was beaten by 7 men today in Daytona

   Thinks some of the crowd left Daytona with skid marks in their pants

   The fact that Danica Patrick finished 8th, and is the most talked about driver in the Daytona 500 proves that no one actually cares about this silly non-sport.

   When a skinny girl always says "I'm fat" do you ever feel like saying you're skinny and you know it but your insecurity is not attractive so a fat girl with confidence makes you look unappealing, so start eating!!

   Taylor Swift and John Mayer probably broke up because her body was NOT a wonderland…

   You can now buy "throw back" Pepsi with real sugar. Where can I find throw back Coca-Cola with real cocaine?

   Anyone else think they should limit Oscar acceptance speeches to 140 characters like Twitter?

   I hope the actresses who takes the Oscar home tonight will be wearing a bullet proof vest & does not intend to use the bathroom at night, we are not ready for a sequel yet.

   at breakfast this morning, my girlfriend ordered toast instead of biscuits and gravy. I don’t see this working out…

   I have laughed more in the first 30 mins of the 2013 Oscars than all others combined!