Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   MC Hammer arrested. STOP..... Slammer Time

   Why can't the devil just swallow his pride and beg GOD 4 forgiveness so we can all go back to the Garden of Eden & live happily NAKED.

   My theory is that Twilight was seen by only ten people who each watched it four million times.

   Kristen Stewart has the expression of a brick wall.

   I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.

   I would NOT have done well in the military. I’d always be saying things like “SIR LET’S JUST AGREE TO DISAGREE SIR!!!”

   I'm reading the ingredients on a can of dog food, and I'm shocked to see that 17% of it is "kids' homework".

   Shouldn't somebody else blow out the candles when it's a fireman's birthday?

   Pro Tip: Wear two eye patches,, so people know you're serious about being a pirate.

   Hey Jonah,,, Next time you’re swallowed by a whale, stand up through the blowhole like it’s a sunroof on a limo. Throw your arms up. Have some fun.

   I don't know much about the history of war, but Iwo Jima taught me one thing. those flags were really heavy back then.

   "You should go to church".... "Sunday is a day of rest"..... Well which is it? Make up your damn mind!

   Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself

   When I'm in a good mood I act like I'm I'm in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood. Neat huh!

   I pride myself on helping others get thru stressful times, but honestly, that plumber acted like he didn't enjoy the back-rub I gave him...

   I can honestly say my biggest accomplishment today was making it all the way home and still having half the fries left in my McDonalds bag

   I was having a good day until I ran into an idiot. These things are everywhere, there is no avoiding them.

   The smartest place to stand when pointing fingers is usually in front of a mirror.

   I’m not ignoring you if you don’t exist to me.

   If I swallow magnets will I be attractive?