Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

   The Daytona 500 happens tomorrow. I can't wait to miss it.

   I'm fat because of genetics my whole family is fat. NO!! your whole family Is fat because they all eat like hogs.

   I only watch porn to get decorating ideas.

   I have OCD and ADD. Which means everything has to be perfect, but not for very long.

   Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.

   The lady in front of me at Walmart has six kids and is buying a baby gate. I want to tell her you should try putting that on your v@gina

   I'd have better people skills if I worked with better people

   I just want somebody that I can hangout with and play on my phone next to all day.

   If you enjoy watching Harlem Shake videos, don't ever complain about "stupid people." You're one of them

   We should just give Detroit to Canada and see what they can do with it.

   I’m depressed and a bit humbled. I just found out Gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a Japanese horror movie monster.

   I'd say good morning but its clearly afternoon. Rough night.

   Good friends happen to good friends.

   NASCAR tickets: $240 Parking: $12 Refreshments: $80 Being in the front row and getting to take home a piece of the car. (imbedded in your spleen): PRICELESS

   Facebook: where all your stupid questions can be answered by stupider people.

   Why do they still print the phonebook? "Gee, thanks. Here's a large printed portion of the internet for me to throw away."

   Fighting on the internet is like the Special Olympics. Even if you win, you're still retarded.

   Hate watching Katt Williams on Comedy Central. All you hear is, "I *bleep* that *bleep* so hard that *bleep* got *bleep* up *bleep bleep bleepity bleep blap*." Just shouldn't play Katt on a censored station.

   why do ppl say they are "under the weather"?....unless ur an astronaut, were all under the weather