Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm a nice person really.....at least I smile when I tell you to F&*k off! :))

   Slowly step away from the bacon and no one gets hurt...

   You’re all dying anyway so why not just go buy some KFC. (Those guys need to let me do their ads).

   if your morning beverage isn't half booze/half coffee, you're doing Saturday wrong...

   Oscar Pistorius' bail cost an arm and a - oh wait...

   Let's have a round of applause for the heroes that they think they can save all the cancer-ridden children by liking and sharing those Facebook statuses.

   Sometimes I think I'm too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop

   Sunday is looking like a category "1 box of wine" nor'easter.

   Got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I'm gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist and a priest.

   No one gets to the age of fifty without making a few enemies.

   They say you should dress for the job you want, which is why I'm wearing boxers shorts and a heavy scent of bourbon.

   Few things disappoint as consistently as a dry wedding.

   I have 140 characters to get into your panties, but I only need four: wine.

   3 things you’ll never hear in a Trailer Park: 1. What kind of mustard do you want? 2. Trans Am suck! 3. I have a dental appointment today.

   They only named it Facebook because "I can't believe I said that!" was too long

   Taking off your clothes is the best part of my day.

   Let's have martinis together and then fight to the death with the tiny plastic swords.

   Tips on falling in love: Don't

   Some people have relationships and some people have cats

   I'm not gay but twenty dollars is twenty dollars....