Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If marriage has taught me anything it's that there is no shortage of por n on the Internet.

   I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.

   Somebody needs to plug an electric guitar into a 100 watt amplifier, and fix this cr@p that's trying to pass itself off as music nowadays.

   Dear rappers, please stop putting police sirens in your music. When I'm driving it scares the crap out of me.

   That uncomfortable moment at a feminist picnic when they realize no one made any sandwiches.

   Who says chivalry is dead? Last night, my wife was too sick for sex so I just settled for a BJ...

   Just saw my ex with her new man and had to smile because I KNOW there's not a place on her he can kiss that hasn't been coated by my man gravy. :)

   If I offend anybody tonight I apologize in advance, it's not my intention. I'm not gonna guess what your personal line of decency is. I cross my own from time to time, it's how I know I still have one...

   Most of troubles and hate games in the world is made by ugly insecure people.

   I'd have better people skills if I worked with better people.

   I miss you like The Biggest Loser contestants miss high fructose corn syrup.

   "Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, yep, yep, uh huh, uh huh, ok, you too, bye": Man side of every phone conversation with his wife.

   Does anyone have the owner's manual for a wife? Mine's emitting a terrible whining noise.

   Sorry you're an atheist and have no one to thank its Friday.

   The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.

   I’m going to change my name to Benefits. Now when you add me on Facebook it will say, you are now friends with benefits.

   Maybe homeless people are just hardcore campers.

   First and foremost, I would like to thank my legs. Without them I would not be standing here today.

   IF you had to choose between your wife and winning the lottery… What kind of car would you buy 1st?

   I want to have 3 kids and name them Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then when they mess up I will just hit them all at once.