Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Valentines Day, Aint nobody got time for that!

   If police work is just watching stuff burn, then I mastered police work when I was 10 years old.

   How am I supposed to completely ignore Olympic wrestling like it doesn't exist, if it actually doesn't exist?!

   I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup and I just took the biggest vowel movement ever.

   If women belong in the kitchen, shouldn’t men belong in the garage with all the other tools?

   Just realised why women love shoes over clothing, because no matter how much weight they gain, the shoes still fit.

   At one point in their life 95% of women will have intelligent DNA. Unfortunately most will spit it out.

   I think they should make Sarah Palin the new Pope. Cause she can see heaven from her back yard!

   I hear Justin Bieber wants Black Keys’ Patrick Carney roughed up. I wonder how much she is paying for someone to do it for her.

   It turns out Muse is more than Musicians United for Safe Energy. It's an okay band too!

   Seriously, do I look like a Valentine's person?

   I WILL ALWAYS WEAR BLACK ON VALENTINES DAY.

   Onions think that they are ugly because you cry after you get them naked.

   Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour." I said, "You've got the wrong house then man."

   i am giving up giving up for Lent

   Chris Dorner must have been pretty serious about Ash Wednesday when he set fire to that house.

   A man overdosed on erectile dysfunction medication one night. He went out the hard way.

   I'm getting really tired of being really tired of stuff.

   A pizza delivery guy knocked on my door & said, "I have a pizza delivery for your next door neighbor but no one is answering the door!" I replied, "No worries they use my door as their backdoor..." and now I have a "Do not disturb" poster on my door.

   Coffee , because beating the crap out of people is illegal.