Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh, you like camping? I like drinking outside too.

   Go on, drink your coffee like you have something important to do today.

   Apparently, "Press 1 for English" is now code for "Transfer me to someone in India who can fuc k this up for you in a big way"

   every Tuesday is "Fat Tuesday" at Wal-Mart.

   I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said "I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle"

   Every call from my mother is a judgment call.

   Breaking: Pope resigns to become head Scoutmaster for the Boy Scouts of America.

   it is so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite.

   congratulations to trayvon martin - almost one year staying out of trouble

   A horse walks into a bar. "Too late," says the bartender, "we're joking about the pope now."

   Want to make a good first impression on a guy? Ask questions about him, seem interested, listen, giggle and swallow.

   Go up to random fat chicks and tell them that they didn't need to take Fat Tuesday literally.

   I am taking a second job as a Bounty hunter.. Well, I'm actually just looking for some paper towels in walmart.. Same difference..

   The Pope just wanted to prove he was a good Catholic by pulling out before finishing the job.

   I wonder if Chris Dorner feels like he is jason Bourne

   Wondering if I should watch Obama's State of the Confusion Address tonight.. More talk that never changes anything..

   I'm playing a key role in making ironing extinct.

   Take no prisoners...Christopher Dorner you are going down!!!

   Just saw somebody in the third row pull out their flip phone at the State of the Union address. You know we are in trouble.

   Wow took Rubio 13sec into his speech before he attacked Prez Obama and his failed