Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   whenver ur alone & need a hug, just remember....so does a cactus

   Never tell a zombie that he looks like death warmed over

   The good thing about Facebook is you can make someone disappear from your FB world by simply deleting and blocking the annoying offender. To accomplish the same thing in the real world, you have to find a remote location and take the time to dig a shallow

   Am I the only one that believes people without kids should get a "No-Child Tax Credit"... I mean I'm over here not overpopulating the world.. Think I deserve a lil something back for that... Yall Welcome!

   so ready for that all important holiday coming up, don't forget monday is the presidents day mattress sale

   I will put a comma wherever I want. If I pause,,,, you pause

   If you forward these idiotic chain posts and "If I get a thousand likes" posts, I automatically think you're stupid.

   I'm gonna be busy scanning Craigslist for the PopeMobile.

   I am pleased to announce that I hired Helen Waite to handle the issuance of all apologies on my behalf. So from now on, if you're looking for an “I'm sorry” from me, please go to Helen Waite for it..

   I over-exercised and dieted beyond what was healthy. It got so bad I had to check myself into reflab.

   Some of you make me wonder when the psych ward got Internet access.

   I was gonna try the whole vegan thing once, but I didn't really want to commit myself to telling everyone about it.

   why do people say something is to die for? If you die, you can't eat it...

   im not lazy...my body is just an environmentalist that likes to conserve energy

   Last night, Gotye won Record of the Year. Parents were like, “Who’s Gotye?” while their kids were like, “What’s a record?

   Quick! When the hunky bartender gets the security guard and points at you; that means he's interested right? I think I’m going to drink for free the rest of the night...

   Somebody needs to tell Ann Coulter that a shi!tload of makeup can't disguise her stupidity.

   I have a bad feeling we're going to pay for Taylor Swift not having a boyfriend on Valentines Day.

   Taylor Swift chases more balls than a puppy.

   You can tell the Pope is a typical Man... He decided to break up a relationship with God just before Valentines Day, just so that he doesn't have to give a gift!!!