Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My daughter wants a pony and my wife wants a new dishwasher, so I'm compromising and buying them a goat.

   I don’t believe man evolved from a lower species. Boy, I’m glad I got that monkey off my back!!

   It's going to be so disappointing if we ever ask aliens about crop circles and they're just like, "We really hate corn."

   Subway's sub of the month should be black forest ham...

   Instead of a sign that says "Do not disturb" I need one that says "Already disturbed"

   Respect for yourself is good morals. Respect for others is good manners. Respect for women is good for oral.

   Ladies; If he's seen your butthole, how you look in the morning with no makeup and hair all over the place is moot.

   "I need you to understand something that I can never explain." ~ Heart to brain.

   The world would run a lot smoother if more men knew how to dance.

   My neighbour: ' I don't mean to complain, but...' Me; ' Then don't. ' Slams door in face...

   Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank.... I have no words right now to describe how angry I am

   The funnest thing about the end of a relationship is being honest about why you pretended to love each other.

   "No more Mr Nice Guy" ~ Mr Nice Guy's eulogy

   I just want to be the reason that you constantly call your friends at three in the morning frantically crying.

   Idiocy is the shortest distance between my fist and your face.

   I don't get why the Grammy's are such a big deal. I mean, who wants to see a bunch of old women on TV??

   A healthy marriage means making sure there's always fresh batteries in your wife's vibrator.

   I need to turn whatever it is that allows kids to sleep through anything...like a massive clap of thunder right above the house at 230am...into a pill form for adults. I would be so rich...

   To further prove that Wal Mart is low class, I let a smelly one rip in one of the grocery aisles. Folks came a running thinking the store had set up a food sample stand.

   where the treasure is found on a treasure map