Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend came out of the shower and said "I shaved down there, you know what that means?" I said, "Yeah the drain is clogged again."

   During sex, you burn as many calories as running 5 miles. Who the hell runs 5 miles in 30 seconds?!

   My boss accuse me of being immature, but I had my hands over my ears and told him I wasn't listening.

   Me: Do you know me? Sales Person: Mitch, I believe Me:I prefer Magneto.

   What's with this latest trend of using a picture of your child as a profile pic? Makes it seem as though 65% of my friends are under three years old.

   it's winter, and it snowed. Enough said!

   knew he had a serious skittles addiction when he saw a rainbow every time he used the bathroom.

   So pathetic when some people use Facebook as their drama diary. Every. Freakin. Day. If your life is really that bad, you should probably do something about it. No, whining on Facebook is not considered "something."

   Tried on the new Magnum condom today....The Damn thing looked like a tube sock hanging off a door knob!

   There was a homeless guy walking down my street.. I was gonna give him a few bucks but his sign said: "ONE DAY IT MIGHT BE YOU". I put the money back in my pocket just in case he's right.

   dude, if you were the best, there wouldn't be a guy after you...

   I'm gonna build a snowman just so I can punch it in the face.

   Wouldn't it be so disappointing if we ever come into contact with aliens, and we ask them about the mysteriousness & complexity of crop circles and they're like "Dude, we just really hate corn."

   My Facebook device received a phone call today........ Weird

   I've never seen a tombstone that read: "Died from not forwarding that post to thirty people."

   Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you'll never go back" episode of Mythbusters...

   How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?

   Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, "I don't know. I don't speak Chinese." Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

   HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR, It's the year of the snake !!! I'm still keep accidently writing Dragon on all my checks.

   I can't wait to run out of stuff to say so I can just re-release all my status updates in acoustic version.