Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guy: I only pooped twice yesterday. Is there something wrong with me? Girl: I've already pooped twice this month. Is there something wrong with me?

   Remember people, good manners is what separates us from the French

   Facebook... because moving your fingers is almost like doing something.

   I'm white, so my touchdown dance would just be filing my income taxes on time.

   People ask why I get hot women. I do not have a large pen!$...it's small, but it can talk and is very complimentary.

   I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.

   Guys.... women pay attention to how you text. You think they don't notice someone who can move their fingers fast?

   Of all the utensils that were invented to eat rice with... How the f**k did two sticks win?

   I've never seen animals party. Though squirrels that fly are pretty goddamn close.

   Note to self: Do not use reverse psychology when trying to stop someone from jumping off a building.

   There's nothing sexier than an intelligent woman who can f uck like she's stupid

   Honey, you don’t have sex appeal. You have slut appeal. There’s a difference.

   The tattoos in your shirtless profile pic say 'bad boy'; the flowered wallpaper behind you scream 'living in mom's sewing room'.

   My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD Bin at Walmart.

   Get hoarders addicted to crack, they will sell all their s hit..Problem solved.

   You're sexy, but not "I don't care if you have horrible grammar" sexy.

   Gong Xi Fa Ca! Happy Chinese New Year! And hopefully, when you wake up after two too many mai tais, you don’t discover a Tattoo of "Yu Bang Mi Nao" on your a$$.....do not ask me how I know this.

   Does anyone know if we can claim the farm credit on our taxes for playing games on Facebook?

   I just got down with *OPP. *Other People's Pizza. Sorry, Meg in accounting.

   I have a tool for everything in my shed. Including the tool to open the lock when I lose my key ...