Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I Just backed into a Jaguar, but I left him a note on my bank statement,, so he knows not to bother calling

   As it turns out, saying you worked out,,, Is MUCH easier than actually working out.

   They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".

   47 min: My monthly record for using my phone as a phone

   Speed walkers look like they're constantly auditioning for a diarrhea commercial

   Looking back on my time taking flight lessons,, I realize why I could never be a pilot. Not because I'm afraid to fly or couldn't handle instructions from the tower,,, but because I kept making machine gun noises at EVERYTHING I saw.

   I Just saw a dude with a pic of his truck airbrushed on the tailgate of his truck... The awesomeness of it,, melted my face and got my wife pregnant.

   What bores me is repetition, i.e. when people repeat themselves. It's boring and repetitive. Boring. Like repetitive posts. They bore me.

   You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That's why I'm happier than you

   I Just saw a tumbleweed roll past my last post

   The Wife just asked if she looked ok in her new pants.. She did... But I paused to long,,,,,,,,,,,,,Please send an ambulance…

   Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my wife to cook at their concert

   When I'm at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a wife

   Quit blaming your parents for everything wrong in your life... Be grateful they saw you through your teeenage years and didn't kill you

   So if I get the job at Walmart,,, do I pull my own teeth out,, or does it happen during orientation ?

   Whenever I stand in front of the mirror looking at my naked body,, I get depressed and think… “I'm going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”

   The creator of Mad Libs died... His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.

   I farted So loud,,, it scared the dog out of the room and I raised my hands in triumph and shouted,,, "There can be only one!"

   Did you know that every 60 seconds,,, Somewhere in Africa,,,, a minute passes.

   I bought some of that new emo lawn seed the other day... Yeah, It was a little more expensive,,, but the grass cuts itself.