Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.

   My 1 year old said YOLO... She actually might have been asking for yogurt,, but just to be safe I put her in a time-out.

   Theres no I in team....but there is in TIM, because Carllos calls him "Teem"!

   My family treats me like a GOD,,,,,, They only talk to me if they want something

   Yeah I'm married, but get one thing straight,,, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanhjkjhgfd,, THIS IS SCOTT'S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

   One time I farted so loud in my sleep they had to stop the bus...

   TIP: If you try to make a smoothie for lunch........ Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

   Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2019,,,,, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

   There are so many scams on Facebook now... Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.

   The recipe said "Set the oven to 180 degrees," so I did, but now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.

   Do all Kmart's have a guy that chokes you while you're pooping? Or was that just a random dude?

   How long do I microwave these turtles before I can teach them karate?

   Excuse me security guard, but I didn't come to this museum to not ride a dead dinosaur.

   Now that my daughter's almost a toddler, when can I expect her baby toes to fall off and be replaced by adult ones?

   The aliens have never invaded cos every time they visit they only ever encounter redneck Americans. So they’re waiting for us to evolve.

   Almost as offensive as priests molesting kids, is that parents still leave their kids alone with priests.

   First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

   My wife seems to be having a great day, I can't wait to ruin it by talking to her.

   So we're supposed to get up to 8 inches tonight? I've been promising my wife that for years ツ

   F.Y.I.: FaceBook will be closed February 29, 30 and 31st. Please make a note of it.