Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do some parents always talk about how much they love their kids but the kids live 500 miles away with the other parent?

   "Sometimes, women are so sensitive! Very nicely, I asked the woman sitting next to me if I could smell her armpits. "NO!" she exclaimed. I said, "Well, it must be your feet then." Now she's looking for something large to hit me with ツ

   USA is home of the Free? it's expensive to live here, my taxes just doubled!!!

   Snooki is a star! Huge and full of gas.

   FACEBOOK - Keeping your fakeness public since 06'...

   At least he died doing what he loved: texting while driving.

   Do these pants stuck halfway up my thighs, cutting off my circulation, make me look fat?

   My hair looks like I've had rigorous sex, but in reality I lost my brush a week ago.

   Girls, holding in your farts has got to be an even more nerve wrecking dilemma when your man is spooning you right?

   I'm not redneck enough to bang a cousin, but I'm redneck enough to have thought about it.

   Throw a boomerang so far you forget about it, years later it hits you in the head at a fancy dinner party.

   Jesus, Alicia Keys! Are you just going to stand there singing about it, or are you going to help the poor girl?!? GET A BUCKET OF WATER THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!

   Whenever I get called into my boss's office, my entire Facebook career flashes before my eyes.

   I don't steal my p osts from song lyrics! Seriously. Y'all gon' make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here.

   Why can't we just have Shark Month and Black History Week?

   Looks like Chris Brown faked his community service. Guess he's trying to beat the system too.

   STD = She's That Dirty

   Do you brush your teeth without making a mess like in the commercials bause I usually look like I have minty fresh rabies.

   Hey,,, I used to play bass for "50 cent" when he was known as "two dimes and a nickle"

   Today, I heard on the radio that Lucasfilm was working on a movie featuring Yoda. Can you imagine writing 90 minutes of dialog for Yoda? Insane the writers will be going.