Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I dropped my laptop off a boat the other day. It's a Dell, rolling in the deep.

   What do you call a Chinese man with a video camera? Phil Ming

   Spooning...the precursor to forking.

   unequivocally denies visiting an anti-aging clinic in Miami in order to receive performance-enhancing PEDS to do his daily status updates. Any claims to the contrary are baseless and are coming out of left field.

   Accidentally hit the panic/alarm button on the car key and promptly panicked.......... So, it works.

   says that boot, iron and wheelbarrow were voted as bottom 3 Monopoly piece finalists and in an old fashioned game of rock-paper-scissors, wheelbarrow attempted to cart boot off, but in the end it was iron receiving the boot in a hotly contested match.

   Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire

   Apple has a new device out for Chinese people. The 'iOpener'

   The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Landline !

   I am terrible at making comparisons. I guess I'm alot like a taco that way.

   I never got any good mail on Saturday anyway.

   "Just Be yourself" is something I rarely hear from people who know me well.

   My computer is frozen up... and it looks like moving my mouse around in circles will not fix the problem.

   Does Krystal accept Valentines day reservations for one?

   So they found Richard III under a parking lot. We wil probably find Hoffa under a church.

   Yes I feel great this morning. Thank you wine netti pot.

   FYI: Donkeys just call them hats.

   If a guy ever gave birth to a baby,,, I would pay him $1000000 to go on TV and tell the world "meh,,, it hurt,, but not like that much"

   when I am bored, I like to park on the side of the freeway and stick a blow dryer out the window and watch the cars slam on their brakes

   If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in good shape!