Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   once you learn how to be happy, you won't tolerate being around people who make you feel anything less.

   With all the crazy things I've done and survived, I'm convinced its because God has a special purpose for me and doesn't want me to die yet. Although, more and more, I get the impression its just because He needs a laugh every now and then.

   If you're skinny already why the heck are you trying to diet ? What are you trying to lose ? Your life ?

   Fair play to Beckham for giving his wages to a children's charity, but lets not forget Rooney has been giving his to the elderly for years.

   Studies have shown that people who masturbate have longer lives then the people who dont... Guess that means my a$$ is living forever...

   Arguing with a person who has rejected the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead.

   so many hotties... and they're all freaking scared of me!

   every time I hear someone say 1993, I still think it was only 10 years ago...

   if I was a beer, I'd drink me,,,

   Sometimes I wonder if that kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught a fish yet.

   Roses are red, Twitter is blue, you look bangable, so I'll follow you

   "i would do anything for love, but I won't do that...or that, or that, or that, or that, or that"

   My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It's not working. I cant take it anymore, I'm going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?

   I am always confused when I see a status message that isn't about me.

   WALMART, because going to TARGET requires taking a shower.

   I don't want your girlfriend. No one wants your girlfriend... Thats why she's with you!

   I organized a threesome last night. There was a couple of no shows but I still had a great time!

   I found the pot at the end of the rainbow, and I smoked it!

   Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don't even do anything about it.

   Don't be freaked out that I'm knocking at your door. Haven't seen you update your status for a few days, and just wanted to make sure you're okay.