Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish ovens had a pizza button just like the microwave has a popcorn button

   Extreme couponers are just hoarders in disguise

   I got a pet wussy. LIKE if you read that wrong.

   Welcome to San Francisco, where the weather is nice and the people are gay!

   I saw a nail hole in the bathroom and quickly realized I was in an Asian gloryhole.

   Daries Allani ‏@Dallani She had to kiss a lot of frogs before she found her Prince Charming... ...and by "kiss" I mean "blow" ...and by "frogs" I mean "black guys"

   Bartender! There’s ice in my vodka. What is this, kindergarten?

   I'm black... but not "really good at basketball black."

   The cure for premature ejaculation is coming soon.

   I don’t always drink beer, but when I do it’s because I’m thirsty.

   My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.

   I just saw a caveman today. Okay fine, I saw a guy who was sitting on a bench reading a book. Same thing to me.

   If you listen to your heart please see a doctor cause it isn't normal for a piece of meat to be speaking to you.

   If you ever get butterflies in your stomach, maybe you shouldn't have swallowed those caterpillars.

   sneezing while brushing your teeth is not a good way to start your day...

   Ron Jeremy is in the hospital... I think I've seen that one before on Redtube.

   a relationship between two person should be like the relationship between the hand and the eye. If the hand gets hurt, the eye cries, and if the eye cries, the hand wipes its tear.

   Silence doesn't always mean 'Yes'. Sometimes it means "I'm tired of explaining to people who don't even care to understand."

   We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!

   I just found out that all the people who say "You haven't changed a bit" have been lying to me. :)