Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when a product states "New and Improved" my eyes see "Less S hitty than before"

   Anyone else ever get disappointed when they hear the Emergency Broadcasting System and it turns out it's just a test. For once, I want to hear them say "Locate the nearest axe and seek shelter, zombies are over running the streets"...

   Just invented a cell phone cover that looks like a pay check. Now all the yolo dudes can look responsible when they take a profile pic in their duckface baby-mama's bathroom mirror.

   I'm just a boy, standing in front of a closed fast food chains drive thru, partially nude, weeping and screaming for buttermilk ranch sauce

   According to my khaki shorts, I need to give a couple more shakes after peeing

   If you treat a guy like a piece of shi t all day at least have the decency to go to his house and laugh when he takes it out on his family.

   Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

   Much to my dismay, chocolate labs aren't quite as delicious as one might think ツ

   Today is a 'No F unny updates Day' all status lifters are are required to read a book or go do some community work for their plagiarism crimes.

   Can anyone here recommend for me a good gym to drive past?

   High Wind Advisory for our area this evening. I wonder how the forecasters found out I had Mexican for lunch with refried beans???

   She told me a little bit of soda would take the stain out of my white shirt,im guessing she didnt mean grape soda!!!

   if someone tells you it is the inside that counts, that usually means the person they are talking about should stay inside their house.

   It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them.

   The American Pickers just found an ancient Bible hand signed by the apostle Paul. They talked the guy down to thirty bucks .

   A sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears... Personally I think its nuts.

   a foot tattoo on a guy considered gay?

   Sitting on the couch eating graham crackers and just remembered I forgot to flush the toilet upstairs.

   It's been a long day,,,I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.

   They say if you dump a cat hundreds of kilometers away from home, it will eventually find its own way back. So all you cat-owners putting up posters of your missing cat need to stop wasting your time because it’s obvious your cat does not want to be fou